To begin, I stood in front of my closet for a solid five minutes, just staring at my clothes, thinking to myself, “What about that? No. Or what about that? No. Definitely no.” And then I try stuff on, and take it off, again and again until there is a large pile of clean clothes on the floor that you know is just not going to get picked up. I try on skirts. I then I ask myself, “Why do you even own skirts?” Then, “Maxi skirts are classy, right? Right?” After that I tell myself that perhaps a dress would look better. So I put a dress on. The low cut makes me feel a little uncomfortable, so I pull it up. But then I think that its much too short, so I pull it down again, then back up a smidge, then down a tad, then I resort to pulling it in opposite directions at the same time hoping that it will magically stretch, or perhaps transform into a perfectly flattering gown that makes me look like a super model and injects Christina Aguilera confidence into me. And when that surprisingly doesn’t happen, I pull it off.
I then talk myself into believing that jeans are classy, because apparently Awkward Girl can’t feel comfortable in anything that isn’t made of denim. Then, thirty minutes, a massive pile of clothes, and a few tears later, I finally decide on a shapely but modest sweater, jeans, and boots. I feel relieved, and possibly, maybe, look kind of classy.
Okay, now time for hair and makeup. I decide that if I didn’t really dress up very much, I could compensate with some glamour hair and make-up and call it good. At this point I was feeling pretty good about the hours I had wasted on Pinterest, and was about to put my skills to the test! Or so I thought.
First, I decided to curl my hair. Of course I couldn’t do it the easy way though, with my easy to use curling wand—no I needed to do it the hard way. With my straightener. Because that is how you get beautiful, soft, movie-star curls; according to the internet. Turns out using your straightener as a curler takes a lot more coordination than Awkward Girl is capable of. Well, an hour later, with multiple burns on my fingers, ears, and somehow nose, my hair was “curled”. I’m pretty sure one side was considerably curlier than the other, and there may or may not have been a large section that I missed, but all that aside, I think I can chalk this one up as a success!
But I wasn’t done yet, I still had to do my makeup. The worst part of all. Damn Pinterest had convinced me that I could use that liquid eyeliner I bought months ago and never use to make the most perfect cat eyes. I should have learned my lesson with the hair, but of course I didn’t. The first sign should have been my body’s reaction; it was as if it knew I was trying something that only non-awkward people can pull off and was like, “Whoa there! What are you trying to do?” If you don’t believe me when I say this, the vigorous twitching of my eye as I hovered the liquid eye liner applicator ever so delicately above my lid should be enough to convince you. All I have to say is thank god for makeup remover wipes. I’m pretty sure I burned through a whole pack of those babies. But, after that, and being half-blinded by the toxic black liquid that kept finding its way into my eye, I was pretty sure I had managed to pull off a not half bad job. (continued in part 3)